Bladed Battles
by tt22123
Summary: Imagine you self harm, how would you want the people you love to find out, this was not how Sammy wanted it to go for him. TW: Self harm I don't own supernatural or the characters within.


The demon blade slipped deeper into the giving flesh, the burning sensation that coursed through his thigh proved that he still wasn't clean. The demon blood in his system was still tainting his body, marking him as impure. He knew Dean would be pissed if he ever found out what his baby brother was doing to himself, Cas probably wouldn't understand why he would do it to himself. Sam didn't know how his boyfriend Gabriel would react and he knew that he never wanted to find out.

Unfortunately Sam knew that people don't always get what they want and this was one of those particular instances. Try as he may, he knew that one day this secret would come to light and that those he cared about would be hurt because of it, that's why he still tried to hide it even though he knew they would find out. The inexplicable human desire to prolong the inevitable.

The discovery of his habits didn't happen slow, it wasn't like one person found out and he would be able to tell the others when he chose to do so. No, for Sam the discovery came when he changed his routine and the three people he still had in his life all found out because of it. The fateful day came around for Sam when he sat there with the blade, cutting until the burning stopped and he had rid as much of the demon blood as he could for the day, and made the mistake of speaking.

"I'm sorry Cas, Dean. Gabriel, I'm so sorry." That's it, the whispered apology that sealed his doom. The archangel suddenly appeared in the doorway, as he had a habit of doing, and locked eyes with the bleeding man on the floor and the blade within his hand. Two strides covered the distance between them and instantly the archangel was kneeling on the floor, strong hands applying pressure to the cuts while golden eyes searched Sam's.

"Why Sam?" The hunter was not used to seeing hurt on the face of the man he loved but he would never forget the way sound of the angel's voice as it cracked and broke with the amount of emotion it had tried to contain, far more than were possible to be held in two simple words. Although those two words held such power within them, a way of evoking guilt.

"Gabe, I'm sor-"

"Stop. I don't want to hear that you're sorry, I want to know why you do this to yourself. Is it me? Is this because of something that I did?"

"But I am sorry Gabe. It's not you, it could never be you."

"Then what is it Sammy?" Both men now had tears running away, carving deep tracks on their cheeks as they looked upon the situation they were in.

"I'm not worthy."

"Worthy of what?"

"You. Life. Anything. I'm tainted, 'the boy with the demon blood', I have to get rid of it. I have to be good again. I need to be pure. You wouldn't understand, you're one of God's children, you live in heaven, you could never be anything but pure."

"You are NOT tainted Sammy, you have demon blood in you, yes, but not because of anything you did, you were 6 months old. You have one of the purest souls that I have ever seen. I may not have been sat where you are, but Cas was, and I was in the same position I am in for you now, as I was for him back then. You are Samuel Winchester, destroyer of monsters and saver of innocents, hunter, brother, friend, lover. Worthy of everything you've ever wanted."

"Cas, he used to-"

"Yeah Sammy."

"But he always seems like he doesn't understand emotions or even feel them?"

"He was always the one who would rebel against anything he was told to do so everyone went against him. Everyone tried to make him feel unworthy of being God's son, unworthy of his love, and often they succeeded, so he would take his angel blade and cut his arms. He acts like human emotions are beneath him and he doesn't understand them because it is easier for him to pretend he is unfeeling than for him to face the possibility of feeling that way again."

"You were there for him?"

"Me and Luci were actually the only ones who never told him he was wrong for acting the way he did, we were the ones who would find him each time he ran away and would heal up whatever wounds he inflicted on himself. I think it must have killed him a little when Lucifer 'killed' me and then you threw him in the cage, the thought that he had strayed so far from the caring brother that he used to be."

"I'm sorry Gabe. Truly I am." Just as he said these words the other angel appeared in the room.

"I heard your call, I came as soon as I-" Castiel froze in his position as he caught sight of the cuts and the scars that covered the younger Winchester's body, eyes wide and unfocused as he saw the blood flowing still through Gabriel's fingers.

"Cas? Cas? Answer me Castiel, are you alright? CAS!"

"Go to him Gabe, help Cas."

"I can't leave you here bleeding Sammy."

"It's my fault he is like that so go and help him! Please." Sam shouted at first but the last word was spoken as a whisper, barely louder than a whimper as he pleaded for the archangel to listen.

"No. I can't leave you here alone Sammy, I've gotta keep pressure on these cuts, you went deep and I can't heal them yet. I'm sorry for this." Just as Sam was about to ask what he was sorry for, Gabriel shouted for Dean to come into the room.

Sam wanted to hide from his brother. Wanted to keep him safe, without the knowledge that he was breaking apart, but Gabe wouldn't let him move. Dean walked in the room and both brothers looked like a deer caught in the other's headlights as Dean took in the situation.

"Dean, there will be time for questions later but right now I need your help and you will never hear me say that to you unless it was a damn good reason. I've got Sam but I need you to take Cas, drag him into a different room and help my brother, please. Just get him talking, about anything other than this, just get him to respond to something I'm begging you." Dean wanted to stay with Sam and find out what the hell was going through that idiot's head but one look at Cas showed that the angel needed someone as he had still not looked away from Gabriel's hands and what they covered, while his breathing was only getting shallower. Once they were alone again Sam continued to talk.

"I- that was my fault, don't try and say otherwise, I know it was. He was remembering, wasn't he? I did that to him, he looked like he'd forgotten how to do anything. That was your brother I did that to Gabe, I'm sorry."

"Yes he was remembering but he'll be fine, it will probably do him good to face up to what he used to do to himself, he never spoke about what he did or why so perhaps this will help him in a way. Don't be sorry for anything, ever. I'm sorry I didn't realise sooner how much pain you were in to resort to this."

"If I'm not to be sorry, neither are you. You weren't meant to know how I thought of myself, I've become good at hiding it from the people I care about."

"I still should have realised though Samsquatch, power to rival God and all that. I should have known you well enough to see through any mask you put up. How long have you been doing this to yourself?"

"I've been doing this for far longer than you've known me so you wouldn't know any different."

"How long Sammy?"

"Before the demon blood but it was for different reasons back then."

"HOW LONG SAM?!"

"Since I was 14. Dean was 18 so I had just started being left on my own, I'd heard of other people trying it so I gave it a go when I got a chance and it helped so I continued to do so. The only time I stopped was when I went off to Stanford, it was even harder to hide there."

"14? Oh Sammy." Gabriel leant forward to rest his head upon Sam's shoulder while he held the wounds closed. The two men say in silence until the blood flow stemmed and Gabriel leant back.

"I need your permission to heal you since you did this to yourself."

"No, I -"

"Sammy please," that whispered beg was all it took for Sam to give in, he couldn't cause any more pain to the person he loved.

"Umm, you have my permission? Heal me up Gabe."

"You got it Samsquatch." Moving his hands, the two men watched as Gabriel's powers caused the skin to slowly knit itself back together, colour returning to the hunter's cheeks as it did so. "Thank you."

"You're the one who healed me."

"You're the one who let me." With these words Gabriel moved to press a gentle kiss to Sam's lips, showing his gratitude through that connection that to others looks so simple and yet to the people involved, it can be a life line, a saving grace. Gabriel felt the earn tears as they hit his cheeks and likes back to find Sam crying softly and silently.

"What's wrong Sammy?"

"Nothing, nothing at all. I just, well, I- I love y-you."

"Oh." Gabriel paused momentarily and Sam's heart dropped as he predicted rejection. "You made me worry that something was wrong when you started crying, I love you too Samsquatch, always. Now, whaddya say you put some trousers back on and we go calm down the shit storm that will be our brothers?"

"I suppose we should. Although I think that is possible the first time you have tried to get me to put clothes ON."

"Believe me Sammy, I would rather you didn't but I think our brothers would prefer it. Don't get too used to it though, it is not going to become a common occurrence." Both men considered this the end of the conversation and so Sam put his pants back on and they both walked out of the room hand in hand to see their brothers in the living room of the bunker. Cas was responding to the conversation with Dean but anyone who looked at him could still see the haunted look held within the blue depths of his eyes. Eyes that shot straight to Sam's face when he walked into the room.

"I'm sorry guys, I know I screwed up."

"Screwed up? SCREWED UP?! That doss not begin to cover what you've done. You fucked up royally Sam. Why the hell would you do that? How long have you kept that hidden from me? Has all of our time on the road been a lie, been a joke to you? I thought you were meant to be the emotional one of the two of us while I hid from the chick flick moments so why didn't you tell me about THIS." Dean had been shouting but all fight left his words as he continued to speak. "I'm supposed to protect you Sam, that's the one task Dad left me with, the one thing that has always been my job and I never knew I was doing it so badly. I'm meant to protect you and I failed, I'm so sorry baby boy. I should've known, I should've seen you were going through this and helped you. Oh God, I'm sorry. Forgive me baby boy? Not that I deserve it, I understand if you don't."

"Dee, there is nothing to forgive you for. You didn't fail, you protected me from everything you knew about, I just made sure that you didn't know about this. You went to Hell to save me, I think that would mean that, even in dad's books, you didn't fail and you did what you had promised to do. Even when you came back from Hell you continued to protect me from everything. You did the best that you could without me letting you in on this secret so thank you Dee. It's only because of you that I made it this far, that I didn't give up when we were younger. You kept me going Dee, when I didn't want to keep on. You were the best big brother, and the best friend, that I could have ever wished to have." Dean didn't care about his rules for chick flick moments at that point as he moved closer to Sam and wrapped his arms around his brother in a tight hug.

"When did you get so tall baby brother?" This caused Sam to chuckle quietly, marking a success in Dean's book that even in the middle of this situation he was still able to make his little brother smile.

"About the same time that you got to be so short Dee, I think it's your age." This time it was Dean's turn to laugh at his brother's comment while simultaneously slapping the back of his head for making it, comfortably drawing an end to their hug as both hunters took a step back from one another. As soon as he had pulled away Sam looked over to Cas and saw that Gabriel had moved to sit next to him on the bed.

Sam met the gaze of Castiel and smiled sadly at the angel, a smile which was reflected on the angel's face as he looked at Sam.

"Gabe told you didn't he?" Sam nodded making a slight seed of regret show in the blue depths but the angel did not close himself off this time which Sam, and Gabriel, both considered to be a bonus while Dean stood there speculating what they meant but hoping that he understood wrong, hoping that his lover didn't have the same pastime as his brother did, but like Sam, he knew that we don't always get the answer that we want to hear.

"I'm sorry Cassie."

"It's okay Gabe, they should know, it's in the past now anyway. I never felt worthy of God, he gave humans free will and loved them yet when I used my own I was branded as being a disgrace, the worst angel ever made. Eventually people stopped caring what I did so the taunts faded away and I started to feel, not better about myself, but less like I was a failure. Gabe and Luci, Lucifer, were the only ones who were there for me no matter what, helped to stop me from hurting myself or patching me up and healing me when they were too late. I never realised, it wanted to realise rather, just how much he had changed in his destiny to fight Michael."

"Cas, you too?"

"I apologise Dean."

"No, neither you or Sam have ANYTHING to apologise for. Not to anyone. I always knew that most angels were bags of dicks but to make you feel like there was something wrong with you is even more of a dick move. As for you Sammy, I should've helped you out, I've known you all your life, I should've realised something was wrong and helped. I'm sorry Sam, but I'm here now and I will do whatever it takes to prove it and make you feel better, I can promise you that. But no more hiding okay Sammy, I can only help you as much as you let me help, I need you to tell me what is going on in that big head of yours, deal?"

"I love you Dee."

"I love you too Sammy, so is that a deal, will you tell me what goes on in that head of yours?"

"I'll try Dee."

"If you don't want to talk to me about something Sammy, please talk to Cas or Gabe if it's easier for you, I'm sure they'll help, just don't- don't try and deal with everything on your own any more."

"He's right Samsquatch, and that is another thing you won't often hear me saying, but Cassie and I will both be there for you to talk to when you need, we can help."

It was from that day that Sam had started talking when he wanted to cut, it helped. Mostly. There were still the odd time when he would skip on his old mask and pretend that talking had helped until he was alone again, because he would always be left alone, and he would grab the demon blade.

The others always seemed to know when he had cut, when he had bled the demon, and they would bandage him up (Dean) or ask permission to heal him (Castiel or Gabriel). There was always something different about Sam after he had cut, he seemed more cautious in the way he moved and yet he also looked more relaxed and at ease with himself. Like there wasn't a war going on in his head.

They never shouted at him or told him off for slipping into old habits as they knew that wouldn't help but they would get him to tell them what was wrong. Make him talk about what caused it that time, sometimes it was being alone when Dean went to get food or go to the bar, other times it was worse when whatever they were hunting pointed out the demon blood in Sam's system. On those occasions he would cut deeper and for longer to try and 'clean' his blood, those were the occasions when talking didn't help.  
It took a while but the incidents started coming fewer and further between much to the thanks of the other three as it showed Sam was slowly getting better.

Perhaps it was terrifying for Sam that the three people he cared for all found out about at the same time but them again, perhaps it was for the best that they did. It may not have been the easiest thing to go through but Sam knew that he wouldn't have told them otherwise, he would have kept finding ways to put it off. It was hard on Sam but in the long run it was better. He would talk to Dean everytime he felt bad about himself, he didn't hide the issue from him, it was never a secret, he would just pretend it would help. Never having to hide from Dean meant that he didn't talk to Cas or Gabriel about what was wrong unless they were the ones to find and heal them but he could tell they were thinking about his habit everytime they saw him and asked how he was. But for this, Sam was glad, because he knew that it meant they cared for him, truly cared.


End file.
